Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Time to call it quits


This morning early I began to have thoughts of "hanging it up", 'calling it quits", "just dying". I really feel like I have lived as long as I'm supposed to. There are things I can no longer do, things I have had to give up, and things that my body just won't do anymore.

I really wanted to live as long as my dad did - 92 years - but that no longer seems possible.

Since my mini-stroke or my battle with hypertension things have not gone well. I hate living this way if you can call it "living". I can this barely type this post knowing that I am having to do it one handed, the fact that my laptop keeps jumping around and putting my typing where ever IT wants to. I hate that.

As my dad said just after my mom died, "I'm ready to go home". He was ten years older than my mom. He had done his job and lived long enough so she was not alone. I am beginning to feel that way. My left leg does not work as well as it used to. I tend to limp, I have trouble getting in and out of the right side of the car. My left arm and hand don't work as well as they used to. I can still use it but it is just not as good as it once was.

I can no longer walk the neighborhood like I used to, no longer go walk the mall, eat at places we used to go to. Life just sucks. Oh, I do go to Wal*Mart but it's the basket I use as a 'walker' and I do notice my walking being better there so I tend to walk places like Lowe's, Home Depot, Hobby Lobby, Target, Kmart, Kroger's, and places that do have baskets.

I have been going to the doctor more often than I have before. I've done physical therapy, I have been to knee surgeon to talk about the problems I have but all to no avail. The knee surgeon says I 'won't be happy with the knee replacement' but it is because I expect so much and with my mini-stoke it will NEVER be like it was.

I spend to much of my day here on the laptop but even that is getting boring. I am beginning to go outside and just sit in my rocking chair or swing and nap. I have been going to the country to mow the grass out there – which I love doing – but I'm beginning to wonder what's going to happen with the place and work when I'm gone?

I miss teaching but I have begun to get over it due to the fact that I have given away, or tossed, lots of my teaching stuff. I could never go back even if I could/wanted to now. I am beginning to toss my teaching items in the trash now and just "let it go" as the saying says. I try to toss items every week so it's not such a big deal. Items that I once prided myself on having are now just landfill somewhere.

I know that I am eating less and less. We don't go out to eat nearly as much as we used to. Our new stove sets 'broken' or 'unusable' for the past two years. It just needs a same part but we have not needed it so it just sits. The microwave works well enough but not perfect but we make do.

Everyday my days starts the same, check my BP, then check my BS, then check my weight, then I can eat breakfast which consists of dry cereal most days. My weight has not changed more than a couple of pound up or down in five years now. My BP and BS tends to stay almost on mark most mornings.

I tend to drink Crystal Lite every day, because after weight-loss surgery I can't have cokes or carbonated beverages. Lunch generally but not always tends to be one of these Hormel small bowl dinners and generally we don't have supper any more. My wife really can't eat after about 6:30 so that put a stop to supper.

My wife still manages to put in 'work' at the university two nights a week, facing painting at kid's night once a week, going to mass once a week with our g-daughter, working with director's association once a month, playing in community band each week, singing in church choir once a week, and basically staying busy each week. Me, nope. I had to give to my softball team after 32 years, my umpiring after 30 years, my subbing and/or teaching after 29 years, my singing in the church choir after about 8 years. Basically I do nothing all day, every day. I do try to keep up with TPT, my own webpage, and other way of helping teachers. That is way I am so depressed right now.

I used to love snuggling with my wife at night but now she won't let me. We are both too old for sex but snugging would still be nice. But she stays up to late hours at night, sleeps late in the morning, and I'm just the opposite. Which does not help much in the snuggling time.

Maybe you can understand why I'm just ready to quit.

Monday, March 30, 2015

What does it take

What does it take for anyone to comment here just to let me know I'm alive?

I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of hours about my pending knee surgery. I really am starting to again have second/third/so on feelings about this. I want to walk normal. You never really think about walking until you can't. I have and am thinking about how I can cure my drop-foot. My knee really DOES NOT hurt. I tell my wife, do I just start lying to my doctors or do I tell the truth?

I really don't know, but I do know, hobbling around is just not the way to go. I can't sub teach, I can't coach, I can't enjoy church, I can't enjoy my granddaughter. This mini-stock has really shut down what I would normally do. I don't want this life.

What does it take for anyone to comment here just to let me know I'm alive? Do I need to just die and be done with all this? Yes or no?

- - - - - - -
Just came back from orthopedics and doctor there who said the knee replacement surgery would not do what I need. He said I would be VERY  disappointed in the results due to what I want. He suggested me spending time with the X-Strap and seeing if that helps. He said I have arthritis in both knees but since they are in no pain yet so we need to try a different route. He felt the problem is more the drop-foot and he does not want to fix that due to the results and I really would not be happy with it at all.

My frame of mind would be better if I could solve that one problem first and get back to subbing. I know I've lost everything else but please give one thing back - P-L-E-A-S-E !?!

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Boring day

Here it is, the first day of spring, my daughter's birthday, the day I went to a knee seminar, and finally made the decision to go ahead a have my knee surgery. I even scheduled my first appointment. It's not that I don't know the doctor. He did my wife's two shoulder surgeries. It's coming after a year of putting it off but dealing with the heartache.

I have been surfing the web looking at the item called AFO and Drop Foot and I came across X-Strap.com and they have product called a Dorsi-strap. After reading all the reviews about it I ordered one to try to slove my drop foot problem. It sounds almost to good to be true. We'll see when it comes in.

Today I got the FIRST purchase on my side shop at TN. It was not much but at least I now know there are real humans out there. The sale was for nothing but a $1.50. But hey it is something. My TPT store will be sending me a PayPal deposit of over $125. Still not as much as all those elementary teachers but it is at least something for this retired, crippled, old former middle school Louisiana history teacher.

Been sitting outside just enjoying this spring-like weather and breeze. It has been so nice. No rain, no coldness, no strong winds, nothing like some of the rest of the countries getting.

Monday, March 16, 2015

7 new products today

I have been very busy today. Almost too busy. I created 7 new items to upload today. Now understand none of them are on sale but they are cheap enough anyway. I have uploaded them to both TPT and TL. The other sites will just have to make do without them

Why do I even post things here. No one reads this. Even since I have posted this on my websites, Tweeter, and Facebook and it does nothing. Oh well. This is just therapy for the soul I guess.

Even with all the mistakes I just made a few hors ago, no one commented on them. I cleaned them up so it should be okay for now. But anyway, I just blog here because I feel I need too. E my tweeter account does not seem to get any hits. Am I just alone in this world as a retired teacher?

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Tweet, twitter, talk, post

Tweet, twitter, talk, blog, post, all day today. That's what I've done. I'm sure I made people mad but hey, I had to get the word out somehow. I figured today was as good as ant. I tweeted it and Facebooked it all day. I have been Pinteresting items too.

It seems strange but I just need to get the word out. And getting the word out I am doing. Not getting any results but that part I will never know for sure. All I'm asking is that they LOOK and that doesn't really show up anywhere.

All this seems just as strange as this blog not getting any readers/commenters. I do KNOW there have been readers but most people don't comment anymore. I know I do, because I'm getting emails back. At least I can tell what's I see and hear.

This post has taken most of Saturday between all my tweeting and posting. Plus we have been "baby-sitting" - or "girl-sitting" as she says, because she is NOT a BABY.

I'm still tweeting, posting, and blogging in hopes - just hope - that something will click and bring more customers to my sites. Both have sales and one is better than the other but even those are not doing better. But you just have to do what you gotta do.

I suddenly now have 10 friends connected to my TL page. At least now I can look through their worksheets. Maybe I can even buy some.